Sometimes I really do not understand what exactly am I looking for? What do I want from life? What do I want from people in my life? What makes me happy? What pisses me off? And most importantly, what do I want from myself? The rebel perspective suits me, generally. I feel content with the idea of thinking that I am right and the world is wrong. See, I know I am not a regular person; neither am I a girl who would live her life by the book. (However, the truth is that all of us break rules but love pretending to be society perfect) However, coming back to what my point was… that Is something wrong with me instead of the world? What if I am the one who needs to adapt as per the regular-life book?

Gross!! I find it appalling even as I type it. No. I am what I am. I don’t say that I am perfect (but isn’t that the whole point behind this – being what you are, being original, being flawed but at least being you) See, there is no trouble in being you as far as you are living your life alone and happy. The entire chaos unveils itself the moment there is a partner in picture. It can be anyone – a friend, a boyfriend, a partner, mother, father (well, in my case at least my Dad is an exception…because he is just like me or maybe me like him… errr… yeah! so I was saying)…. So, the moment people like us indulge in a relationship of any kind), we start struggling with the idea of co-existing with the norms of the other person’s influence.

See, the problem with my kind of people is that, we know when we are right, when we are not (as per the social norms because according to us we are always right – read with rolling eyes). However, we are never ready to change the slightest bit according to the needs/preferences of others (This doesn’t mean we don’t love them, just that we love ourselves more! That is true.) And, this is where the tiff begins. Them wanting something, us wanting something… the world starts to fall.

So, then come moments like this, where people like me question our sanity or the world’s insanity, rather vice versa…ha ha!! It is at times like this when I ask myself, Hey! What the bloody hell do you want from life or yourself or the people around you? Then it dawns upon me that I am better off alone. When I say alone it is not in a sad way because I love my solitude. A space where I read, write, watch seasons and seasons of sitcoms, listen to songs (Late Goodbye to chura ke dil mera types)! Anyways, however confused I might be about several very normal and regular things. I know I can live without suffocating only in the most raw way. I am what I am. Weird, confused, stupid, happy, amazing, flawed, original. I am what I am and I ain’t what I ain’t.


By Surabhi Pandey

Surabhi Pandey, a former Delhi Doordarshan presenter, is a journalist currently based in Singapore. She is the author of ‘Nascent Wings’ and ‘Saturated Agitation’ and has contributed to over 15 anthologies in English and Hindi in India and Singapore. She writes on topics related to lifestyle and travel and is an active reporter on the tech startup ecosystem in Southeast Asia. She is the editor and founder of The Vent Machine.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: